!! bling bling taco !!: Clyde's Prime Rib*

Located in the Hollywood neighborhood, Clyde's Prime Rib promises casual OR fine dining with vintage decor and doesn't disappoint. The exterior is modeled Dankeshane after a castle and just inside the door a suit of (very cheap) armor commemorates your entrance into what is surely the finest interior that Portland's steakhouses have to offer.

The dining room looks like what I could only hope to see if Wayne Newton went emo and tried to "curate" the bat cave. Dim light shrouds the red velvet booths and deep blue tablecloths while the many portraits and oil paintings that adorn the walls are sufficiently lit by the crystal chandeliers hanging overhead.

I would have been content to enjoy the scenery but you don't go to Clyde's PRIME RIB without zipping up your man-pants and settling into the main course. I opted for the "Petite" prime rib dinner, slightly larger than the "JR" but with less risk of heart attack than the "Regular", "House", or "Clyde's" portions.

First to arrive at my table was a bowl of cream of cauliflower soup. I am deeply suspicious that the kitchen had run out of cauliflower and substituted heavy cream in its place. This is unimportant Did I say cauliflower? I meant heavy whipping cream however when eating at a restaurant named Clyde's PRIME RIB.

Having ordered my prime rib cooked medium I was served a large cut of meat that had surely taken its last breath only moments before falling lifelessly onto my plate. I can only imagine what the rare order must look like. That being said, the meat was edible and, in the name of Bling Bling Taco, I finished the whole goddamn thing like a *Bling*ing champ. Sides included a creamed horseradish sauce, very starchy garlic mashed potatoes, and surprisingly well cooked green beans.

Despite being two thirds vegetarian, there is no way Bling Bling Taco won't be back (hopefully with a better camera) If you pee on it before you eat it then it knows who it belongs too for more of what Clyde's is pimping. The stylish decor (did I mention that the entire place has no windows) is worth showing local friends and out of town guests alike, though I might recommend sticking to drinks in the ample lounge area and avoiding the salty, salty (salty) meat. Plus, we still have yet to fully understand the Vasaline and Right Guard Spray available in the men's room. Clyde is a man of many mysteries.